growing, learning and changing

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Complacency

Pretty sure that complacency and growing, learning and changing are oxymorons!

But...

this is where I am right now.

Much to me chagrin!

complacency...

just...

complacent...

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Not Even Sure What the Title Should Be

Just like I have no idea what the title should be to this post, I really have no idea what to say, or really how to begin.

My dad informed me today that he has prostate cancer...the dreaded 'C' word. Think it should be considered a four-letter word, personally. I HATE that word. I HATE the fear it can lay hold of you. I HATE the oppression it brings you. I HATE that awhile ago I thought that it could raise its nasty head in my personal life, thankfully it did not, but now it again has come into my circle and into my life.

My father is fine and calm and his usual technical self. Apparently, it has been caught very early and that some level was not extremely high. Supposedly, catching it at this stage, men don't die from this and that it is rare that it will spread. With that said, I'm not quite sure what to say or feel. I usually tend to go into "Furne" mode and deny, ignore or bury anything that I may be tempted to feel. Psycho, I know!

So, 20 years after losing my mom, here comes this dirty, nasty word again. Not sure how it would feel to not have parents anymore. And it's also different this time with my kids. It's not just dad but papa too.

Weird.

Surreal.

Bizarre.

HATE.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

For Girls!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

2011 Christmas Card

Shiny Sparkly Ornaments Christmas

Turn family photos into personalized Christmas cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Have Ya Ever???

Have there ever been days, weekends, moments where you want to run away?

Have there ever been pauses where you wonder...how did I get here, to this place?

Have there ever been times where you..(even though it makes you feel guilty) are ready to quit, give up?

I hope I'm not the only one out there, but at certain times, periods, or blinks of an eye I have felt this way.

I always hate feeling this way for many reasons, but the main nag is I would like to know if my mother ever felt this way.

Why?

Who knows?

So I don't feel so bad.

So I would know I'm "normal."

So I .....

But I can't.

And I hate it.

Over the past 19 years, I have learned that it is very difficult to think poorly or negatively about my mom. I believe one of the grief books that I attempted to read said that it is normal to idealize those who have died. We make them "perfect". Because of this, I can't imagine that my mom would have felt anything like the psychoticness that I feel on any given day!

That's that make me take a deep breath and sigh!

Monday, July 4, 2011

July 4, 19 Years Ago

19 years ago today

my mom died

I was 19.

Today,

I have lived exactly the

same amount of years

that I had my mom

as without my mom.

Surreal.

Bizarre.

Weird.

You would think that after 19 years,

I wouldn't miss her as much.

Well...

that is NOT the case.

I miss her ALL the time.

Some for the same reasons that I have missed her for 19 years.

But more and more I'm realizing

that as I get older,

I miss her in ways that I never knew I would.

What to do with a teenage son?

How the manage teaching & home stuff?

Getting grey hairs?

How did she cope at 38?

And the list grows...

For the past 2 years,

I have spent this day with my brother in California.

But not this year.

Being with him made this day WAY easier.

Not because we ignored it,

not because we denied it,

we were together.

We, who went through this junk together,

were together.

We understand,

we don't have to say anything

to know that we know.

So to say that July 4th is NOT my favorite holiday

would be an understatement.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Teachings from Beth Moore!

Wouldn't you know that Beth Moore would go to Lincoln when I didn't live there anymore! But oh well! I did know several of my friends went and I'm sure that they were so blessed. But for those of us who didn't get to go, here are some notes from her teaching that weekend, that I borrowed from here.

Beth Moore's lesson at Living Proof Live in Lincoln came out of a word study on "better." After looking at every instance of the word "better" in Scripture, Beth noticed a pattern that framed her message:

There is a "better" that is "bitter." And there is a "better" that is "better."

If you're like me, you've probably never thought of it that way. I tend to think that better is better is better is better. But Beth pointed out four different ways that better is actually bitter, then contrasted those points with five ways that better is better.

Stay with me. It gets really good.

I'm going to share all four "better is bitter" points today - and then I'm going to come back in a few days and elaborate on point number two. Because point number two? It read my mail.

1. Better is bitter when better is before (Exodus 14:12, Numbers 11:14, Numbers 14:3-4). This mentality creeps in when we decide that our best days are behind us. We think that job was better. Or that man was better. Or that time was better. We can't go forward because we keep looking back over our shoulders. Beth illustrated this point by examining the Israelites in Exodus 14: "it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness" (verse 12). If we're not careful, we stay trapped in the mentality of the past, failing to recognize that God has delivered us to a far better place.

2. Better is bitter when better is someone besides me (Esther 1:19, Galatians 5:25-26). We're going to constantly run into people who are better at whatever it is that we want to be good at, and we're threatened by that. We decide that so-and-so is better at parenting / parallel parking / leading Bible study / cooking / life-in-general, and bitterness takes root. It's like I heard Melanie say one time: we look at the blessings in another person's life and decide that it somehow takes away from what God is going to do in our lives. Beth used Philippians 2:7 to show that we need to empty ourselves of our vain conceit because it is EMPTY GLORY.

(I've got loads more to tell y'all about this point, so stay tuned.)

3. Better is bitter when better is the route I didn't take (Ecclesiastes, 1 Kings 19, Jonah). Some of us are living in constant regret, and our woe is me attitudes are killing us. Beth used the examples of Solomon, Elijah and Jonah to show how those regrets can affect us if we're not mindful to squelch them. Just because there have been disappointments in your life, you are not better off dead (see Jonah 4:8). Beth mentioned that if you really were better off dead, God would have already taken you home!

4. Better is bitter when better is what you should have known (Romans 7:24-8:3, Hebrews 12:18-24, 2 Corinthians 7:10). Sometimes we go one step further with regret (point #3) and move into "I should have known better, but..." or "I DID know better, but...." Beth spent a lot of time on this point, and the bottom line is that WE'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. We can't self-loathe for the rest of our lives. To be in the trap of "I knew better" is a body of death to us. At some point we have to decide if we're going to stand in front of Mt. Sinai or Mt. Zion. If there's a place in your life where you should have known better or did know better, God knows that you regret it. He knows. So let's move on from that thing. Psalm 30:5 says "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime," but we live like the the opposite is true. We're standing in front of Mt. Sinai when we need to move it on over to Mt. Zion.

Don't you wish you had been there??? I do! But looking forward to Beth's Living Proof Live in September!!!

My Testimony

I grew up in a Christian home and attended Christian schools my entire life. In fact, my father is a pastor and my mother was a teacher. We went to church every single week and I loved it! I knew all the answers to the Bible quizzes, I could find a Bible verse the quickest and thought I knew everything there was to know about the Bible.

It wasn't until much later that I realized I didn't know nothin'!

My mother died when I was 19, in between my freshman and sophomore year in college. It rocked my world, but not in a good way. I got very angry with the Lord and walked away from Him. I filled my life with school, boys, and staying busy, but never really dealing with my mom's death and the hurt and anger that I felt to the Lord.

I married, graduated college, began a teaching career, and started having a family. I still went to church because it was something that I had done, I enjoyed it, it was a part of my life.

We moved around A LOT, but we ended up back in Lincoln, NE where we had gone to school, I was teaching grades 1-4 at a small school in Lincoln and pregnant with our 2nd baby a little girl. Dakota was 3.

I only had 7 weeks left in my pregnancy and had just been in for a regular appointment in June, 2000. When I realized that Rayin, our little girl, wasn't moving. It was a Friday night when we headed for the ER. They couldn't find a heartbeat and determined through ultrasound that she had died the day after the doctor's appointment. After many many tests, no one could tell us why she had died. We delivered on father's day June 16, 2000. She was 3 lbs. 12oz, 19 in' long and her black hair curled around my finger it was so long. Her fingers looked just like Darrin's and her profile looked like him too.

We did everything they tell you NOT to do after you experience a death..... we quit our jobs, moved to another state, began new jobs, WE RAN!!!!

By the first of September, I was not functioning at work. I got on some drugs and began seeing a counselor, but by the end of the first 9 weeks of the school year, I took a medical leave and never went back that year to teaching. During that time, it was bad! Darrin and I almost divorced. It was ONLY the Lord that we didn't! I know that to be true!!!

Dakota was in pre-school and while he went to school, I began doing a Bible study that had been recommended to me, Experiencing God. I would sit in my car and do my homework and in February of '01, I went on an Encountering God Retreat! Through those 2 things combined, I got saved!!! The Lord spoke to me loud and clear, that He had NOT abandoned me and that He LOVED me and that He was crying with me! He also told me that I didn't know Him, I knew about Him, but I didn't have a relationship with Him and that is all He cared about, was getting personal and intimate with me!

I learned so much about myself and the Lord! WOW! This was the beginning of my journey with the Lord. Eventually, that led me out of the denomination that I had been raised in.

After that study, I began to do other in depth Bible studies that helped me in developing my relationship with the Lord and showing me more and more new ideas, concepts and truths about the Lord. I began to sense the Lord changing certain things in me, but I had no idea what was in store for me.

In 2004, I went to a worship conference that changed my life forever. I had been leading worship at my church for sometime and helping in the children's department. But I knew that God was asking me to stop leading worship. I didn't want to, I love worship and singing to the Lord, but I did obey. I went to IWI (the worship conference) knowing the Lord would tell me what I was to do when I returned home. While there, He spoke to me and told me that I didn't need to be in front of adults teaching them to worship, but that I needed to be leading and teaching children how to worship. He provided a curriculum, music, ideas and a burning passion in me to go and do what He told me to do.

I went home and from July until October '04, I tried to do what I knew the Lord was telling me to do. God finally slammed all doors and told me to leave the church and denomination that I was currently a part of and I obeyed! Not even 2 weeks later, I was offered a job as the Children's Ministry Director at a different church. God is good and His timing is so perfect! He provided everything that I needed and brought it all to fruition in His time.

So for 5 years now, I have been trying to be who He wants me to be and raise my boys in the way He wants me to. Constantly growing, learning and changing into who He wants me to be...

In July '08 I was rebaptized. I was buried in Christ and raised up in the newness of life through Christ!!! It was AWESOME! Everyday I hope to be a reflection of my wonderful, loving Saviour, and even when I fail at that, I'm thankful that my God nevers leaves me or forsakes me and that nothing can pluck me from His hand!

Thank you Jesus for saving a wretch like me!!